life and confidence

i don't know what life is. it's been more than a year yet some parts in me still left unmended, some parts still left to be lost. i dont know where this feeling leads me to. life, as such, is all chaos for insiders, so easy for outsiders. making sense out of it and being happy about it are two different issues which dont get along so often. anything that happens to you is all explicable saying "life happens and it doesnt work out the way you want." but then, what's the point of living a life if you cant be happy about it in the vast majority of its time. maybe there are some 'happy' moments that overcomes everything but i doubt it as i have never experienced anything like that. or maybe 22.5 years are yet just too short to encounter those moments.

it is also true that some parts in me mended for now. one, i could accept and internalized the things i've been through and what they meant to me. and for two, after the last two years of creating, challenging and ruining my chances, and job hunting, i somehow now get the clue of who i am. but that doesnt make life much easier nor happier than i expected it to be.

maybe the last two years were the process of losing my confidence and recovering from which i still am suffering to regain the confidence entirely. getting a perfect job that suits me was not much of a help than i thought it would be. i need confidence so that i can cope with ppl happily and to make myself happy. how am i supposed to interact with ppl when my being as such doesnt exist in me? i just have to block all the incoming interactions so that i dont feel myself getting infringed. or it's just that i dont have much ppl that i can feel safe being with after i came back here as all my friends are scattered for now in the sense of where they are as they have started working already.

writing a perfect dissertation as the sum result to show my uni years, efforts and devotions would be the great help for me to regain my confidence. but then, i hate to be in this circumstance that nobody really understands how good it is, and that way, i miss uppsala terribly. of course, i'm writing it for myself but it still is dissapointing that they dont understand what the paper means and the paper and i dont get acknowledged! well, i'm doing it for me and not f*cking for them.